Trigger Warning: Includes descriptions of tall buildings, rivers, homeless people and local government. May also contain traces of satire
Glasgow’s growing homeless population have written to local officials to express gratitude for their recent decision to build another exclusive private hotel only yards from where they are begging and sleeping rough.
The swanky new 15-storey turd will be completed far too soon and is set to be the 25,000th unnecessary edition to the city’s bulging portfolio of shite. The imminent eye-sore will include a roof-top bar, offering legless socialites panoramic views of their own egos as they entertain one another at sub-zero temperatures over-looking the world’s most ominous river.
Architects say the building was inspired by Glasgow’s history and hope locals will embrace the design – which is based on a knife-wielding chronic illness.
But it wasn’t just the city’s most vulnerable and destitute who had praise for Glasgow City Council. Thousands of working residents on waiting lists for affordable housing also commended local leaders for their stunning self-awareness and impeccable sense of timing.
One fucked resident said: “It’ll be nice walking past this place on my way to the social every Friday morning. It’s the only bit of land in the city centre that doesn’t have something pretentious and inaccessible built on it so I’m glad the council have the presence of mind to put that right.”
She added: “Hopefully they won’t put any seats outside the building. Otherwise people might start to feel like they can sit down and enjoy their city as opposed to being simply corralled from one exclusive shopping district to the next.. We need more architects pretending to pay tribute to the city’s heritage while raking in millions to design and erect inaccessible edifices nobody who lives here can afford to enter.”
A council leader took his nose out the trough for long enough to give a brief comment but nobody could hear it over the sense of self-satisfaction emanating from every pore of his oily, scaly flesh.
Glasgow City Council has a legal duty to provide accommodation to anyone presenting as homeless. An obligation they fail to meet every single day. This shiny new piece of trend-ridden fuckery will stand as a timeless symbol of the council’s commitment to undermining Glasgow’s neediest at every turn with feats of crass ludicrousness more embarrassing than the last.
Some hipster’s, keen to associate themselves with something relatively obscure, descended on the proposed site for the hotel to offer obtuse and clichéd observations disguised as educated opinion. One fanny, using a repurposed lightbulb as a salt-shaker, said: “This is, like, totally cool. It’s such a good metaphor for life in Glasgow coz we can, like, just swan in here, go right to the top and look down on everybody.”
He added: “I think it’s a good move to have the live homeless contemporary art exhibits loitering around outside too. It really gives it that authentic feel as if the hotel is actually in the centre of a genuine economic crisis. So post-modern and just, like, so smart.”
“Plus, like, jobs and stuff.”
The situation for Glasgow’s homeless has been getting steadily worse since 2014. Figures showed that a minimum of 560 people slept rough on at least 1422 occasions throughout that year, with almost two-thirds being recorded as ‘new’ cases.
In addition, 334 people slept rough after being advised by the City Council that there was no accommodation available to them, with 65 people not able to access accommodation multiple times throughout the year – a breach of law to be frank.
The £20m hotel in Glasgow City Centre will be a new landmark, according to developers, who would say that wouldn’t they?
One council affiliate, who’s been seen performing work on behalf of the council, in conjunction with the council and other council related arms-length organisations that the council employ to carry out council duties in absence of the actual council claims, to everyone’s surpise, that the council is the “wrong target” for criticism.
He added: “Nothing.”
The critic of the critics of the council doesn’t believe the council deserves the criticism and says the two completely separate, unrelated instances of totally different things is totally separate and different. One thing involves 500 people sleeping rough on the street in a city where the council is legally obliged to put a roof over their heads but can’t coz there is no money nor scope for development of suitable accomodation. The other involves a £20m hotel complex, equipped with 150 empty rooms, with beds in them, and a roof-top bar being green-lit to boost the city’s “international reputation” – a reputation which, evidently, is not based on it’s desire to provide basic services for it’s most vulnerable citizens.
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