Secret Service agents evacuated Donald Trump from a rally today amid fears that the editorial position of an obscure Scottish newspaper may have some bearing on the course of human history.
Top level military personnel, assigned to protect the presidential hopeful, moved quickly to Defcon 36 when they received a tip-off from a retired social-worker on Twitter that the Sunday Herald was about to publish a strongly worded opinion-piece masquerading as fair and balanced journalism.
The Sunday Herald, in a rare break from partisan moralising, entered the global political arena late on Saturday night to inform Americans that Donald Trump was a “racist” “misogynist” – something that nobody state-side has remarked upon yet.
Incidentally, the words “racist” and “misogynist” are also shorthand for anyone the Sunday Herald – and a section of its hyperventilating readership – disagrees with.
The weekly hymn-sheet has form for decisively steering the course of political events. In 2014 the paper was given permission by its American owners, Lex Luthor and Ernst Stavo Blofeld, to capture the only part of the UK print market not in terminal decline by glibly endorsing the Yes campaign in the Scottish Independence referendum.
As a result sales increased by over 100% as high-end coffee houses in Glasgow’s West End began purchasing two copies of the paper so customers didn’t get bored while waiting for £15 servings of gluten-free spoken word poetry.
The paper’s intervention drew clear parallels with a similar incident in the 20th Century when ruthless tyrant Joseph Stalin was held to task by the Kerry Eagle, a small pamphlet published in Ireland.
Multi-billionaire Trump, all-too-aware of the decisive impact the Sunday Herald had on Scottish independence, was said to be so shaken by the incident that people close to him claim he is coping with the scare by acting like almost nothing of significance has happened whatsoever.
One source said: “He’s acting completely normal which is strange after a level 27 threat like this. It’s almost as if the Sunday Herald’s view on American politics is completely inconsequential to everyone but its own readers.”
Readers who love to point out that Trump is an alleged sexual abuser but never mention the fact Clinton is the type of lawyer who would defend men like him in court for huge sums of money- even if she knew he was guilty.
When informed that the weekly Yes-campaign news letter was behind the security scare Trump allegedly said: “We knew this wasn’t going to be easy.”
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